The Worst Way to Eat: POTATOES

Introducing… the “Worse Way to Eat” Series

The good news. I am not beholden to any publication or sponsored by McCain’s (yet). So what betteeer way to celebrate this current freedom by launching an opinion series on the the worse ways to eat our fave foods. I feel we are all over the endless lists of bests - I’m def getting a bit bored of seeing yet another chocolate bar or vegetable crowned as the winner on the Mob Kitchen World Cup insta series. And if you have read the news recently, you’ll notice that negativity has a way of going viral faster than anything else. FF a marketing genuis eh? 

Mulchos Gracias

Freddie x

"Spud-tacular fails... so bad FF cannae look!"

Before diving in…

…let’s talk about the potato… there’s just something about them, isn’t there? I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve lolled at those WhatsApp messages about dating red flags 🚩🚩🚩.. The top offenders? Using the emoji 😈 (non ironically) pinching nose on entry to water and definitely people who go to a pub/restaurant and don’t order chips when they’re on the menu… taxiiii for them if you will.

I dream of potatoes too fella

But before we get to the worst of the worst, let’s be serious for a moment - potatoes can be glorious- who doesn’t love seeing a piping dauphinoise bubbling out the oven - or the silly effort that goes into the Quality Chop House’s confit? I am not kidding when I say my mastermind topic could be “pre-boiling time for the perfect roastie” The Heston method of boiling until they’re falling apart? Or Jamie’s “just 5 minutes” before the oven? Don’t get me started on which fat/oil to use – it is a hawt debate and we’d be here all day.  

👀 👀 You know what, I think I’ll just order these when I am in the restaurant...

But, alas we’re steering clear of all the good stuff today. No rosti, no McDonald’s fries, no fish and chip soggy vinegar numbers, no Co-op own-brand salt and vinegar crisps (trust meh) and certainly no Pommes Anna. Nein, auf Wiedersehen.

The Worst Way to Eat: POTATOES

1. Hasselback Potatoes

Thinly sliced across the top, fanned out. Baked until crispy on the outside, soft inside. Often topped with butter or herbs (rarely worth the effort).

These are the numero uno worst for me. The classic, “I’m a posh gal back from Ballymaloe, eager to show Mummah and Dadda the £15k skills I’ve picked up, right alongside my chicken ballotine.” Sorry, but FF is always a touch more flavour driven. Just because something took two hours to make doesn’t = taste. This falls squarely into the Come Dine With Me category of tons of effort for v lil reward.. like making pasta from scratch or strawberries done five different ways. (A plain bowl with vanilla ice cream is all I need, honaaaay.) No, no, no - these belong in the bin. Audie.

“Hasselback you are lucky to even get a 1 I tell ya”

2. Boiled New Potatoes

Sorry, Ms Tobias, but this boiled plate of veg is a touch too simple even for Mr “Let’s Keep It Simple.”

Uh oh, I can hear the 40 Maltby purists screaming angrily… I know, I sound like I’m being a big fat hypocrite - but I never said this food game was easy - getting the right balance of simplicity is a tricky tricky tricky. Give me a sec… yes just because you can go all out doesn’t mean you should. Sometimes, less is indeed more but in this case, we’ve taken simplicity that one step too far.

The dish feels like it belongs in Jamie Oliver’s inevitable new ‘1-Minute Meals’ category. Come on, lads, you’re better than this. It’s filler carbs and basic ‘meat and two veg’ stuff - a cucumber-and-cheese-on-a-plate-with-tomato kind of lunch. You’re better than that!

3. Fondant Potatoes

Potatoes cut into cylinders and slow-cooked in butter and stock... Tres time-consuming more about looks than taste

Has anyone ever woken up and thought, “You know what I’m craving? A fondant potato.”? They have not. A cousin of the Hasselback - fancy on the plate, but at the end of the day, trying a lil hard. It reminds me of charity functions with those circular tables - 100+ person events where the vegetarian option is always some filo pastry concoction.

You can spot the chefs who champion the fondant a mile off on MasterChef… If I were a betting man, I’d say you work in a fancy Michelin-starred restaurant tucked away in the middle of nowhere, cranking out braised lamb shanks, venison, and parsnip purée like it’s still a thing.

Mmmm I agree Greg, it ain’t doing it for me .

4. Jacket Potato

Whole potato baked with the skin on… filled with toppings like cheese, beans, or tuna. Nearly always dry and reliant on toppings.

I like James Martin a lot, and Saturday Kitchen hasn’t been the same since he left. He’s also oddly attractive in person and does a mean Dover sole at his Manchester restaurant. The man even published a cookbook called Butter (damn straight) - he’s one of the good guys. But even legends make mistakes. Trying to roll out a multi-site pop-up heroing the jacket potato? Bit of a stretch starch.

I’ve never understood the whole topping-to-potato ratio thing - once you have had your tuna mayonnaise and the nice buttery bit all is dry potato left. Ijusdontgetit? 

5. Sweet Potato Fries

Curveball… so far, we’ve been talking about the Solanum tuberosum potato (thanks, Google) - the one introduced to Europe in the 16th century. But this is my article, and there are no rules. The final “worst” spot goes to the ubiquitous sweet potato fries that bottomless prosecco brunch types just seem to luuurv.

I’ll keep this one strictly opinion free and let my lovely readers consider the physics behind why they’ve made it onto this list:

• Sweet potatoes have higher sugar and lower starch content than regular potatoes. When fried, the sugars caramelise and DO NOT CRISP.

• Although the difference is minor on paper… sweet potatoes contain slightly less water than regular potatoes. The moisture that is present tends to steam within the flesh when heated, making a crispy exterior NEARLY IMPOSSIBLE.

Perhaps a reason why these didn’t hit the scene until recent - some things are better left undiscovered? Dontcha agree?

“OMG - WE ALL LUUUUUV sweet potato fries.” Ya know the typeeeeee

You’re welcome

Freddie xxx

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